ladytauriel | Fic: Raw Love

Rating: Mature
Fandom: Tolkien
Pairing: Durincest (Fíli/Kíli)
Word Count: 3,410
Summary: "I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close." - Pablo Nerud
Author's Notes: This is based on the gay short film Raw Love, which completely shattered my heart. I followed the dialogue closely. Make sure to watch it!
Thanks to my beta, Sage!

It’s already the end of May, but the air still smells of the pungent pine trees, fresh morning dew-filled grass and deep mud, that sticks to the boys' bare feet as they run.

The soccer ball flies ahead of them, and their adrenaline-filled bodies resist the pain shooting through their bodies as they kick the muddy ball. They slip and fall onto their backs into the dirt. Teenage laughter fills the air, but the summer has seen less nostalgic days.

"Call Fíli," says a blue-eyed blonde, as he basks in the sunshine, not minding the mud he lays in. He smiles cockily into into the camera that his friends angle at him and says, "0505, available for all of you. You'll come three times in less than a minute, babes."

"Call Nori at 0-800-hard-on," says his friend, stealing the camera out of the other's hands. The crowd of boys jeers at his creativity. "I'm funny, they're not," he amends to the camera. "Glóin, you're not funny."

"Not only will you have a night of passion with Bifur," begins another, "but I can also keep fluent conversations."

"Listen to you!" exclaim the rest of the disbelieving teens, throwing accusations. "You're a virgin!"

A chubby teenager shoves Bifur out of the way, aiming the lens at himself. "Mergina, this kiss goes to you!" he asserts "You are my true love. Kisses to Dugna, to Rurlia from Bombur."

Another, a smaller boy, with black locks sticking to his forehead from exercise-driven sweat, tickled into oblivion by his friends, is forced into the limelight. He tries to push the camera away, but to no avail. The lens is pushed into his face mercilessly.

"The fairy's lollipop," they poke fun, as he enjoys a sweet. "0-800-sucker," they taunt him.

"I hope Dori gets some," the smaller boy says mischievously, "He is old enough, anyway. And I hope Bombur loses some weight."

The company laughs and attacks his stomach, launching a full-blown tickling fight, pulling hysterical, girly giggles out of him.

The day shows the summer, and the sun sets. However, brighter than the setting sun is their companionship and the bond of their young, innocent love.

The company sits on the pavement, chatting over nothing meaningful, but Fíli is not tricked by his younger brother's passiveness. "It was you, buster," Fíli accuses him, pinning his hands above his hands into the ground.

"No, it wasn't me," Kíli claims, struggling. "Otherwise, I would tell you."

"It's okay, admit it was you," his older brother insists, leaning over him, with his long, tangly blonde hair falling into Kíli's face.

"It wasn't me!" he assures him again.

"Fatty, you farted!" came Nori's voice from the side, as he tries to get a rise out of Bombur. "You ate that rotted sandwich this morning." Fíli pays them no attention. Instead, he launches the plan to have his brother surrender with yet another tickling attack. They are common among their friends, a perfect source of effective torture and punishment.

"Say you are sorry," Fíli urges.

"No!" responds Kíli.

"Say you’re sorry. Say you’re sorry!" the battle persists, Fíli relentless pursuing Kíli's apologies with endless tickling. Finally, he pulls out his more dangerous weapon - his licked finger.

Such a weapon is too disgusting to handle for Kíli. "Sorry, sorry!" he finally relents.

"Do you swear it?" Fíli asks, glaring.

"Yes, brother, I do!" Kíli says, yelping as the offending hands jab him under the ribs. "Fíl-"

"Quiet!" Fíli shushes him.

When Kíli imagines love, he does not imagine a series of whacks aimed at his face by the open palms of his older brother. Kíli cannot find it in himself to particularly mind, however, as it has engraved a smile into his features forever, long ago.

Fíli stands in the shower, washing the sticky mud out of his long, blonde hair. The stream of cold water that hits his bare skin is completely unexpected. Turning, he sees Kíli cowering behind the corner.

"You asshole!" Fíli exclaims, pulling Kíli into a headlock and roughly administering a thorough noogie.

"You like that, don't you?" Kíli says through breathless laughter and the water falling into his hair and dripping into his eyes. When Kíli thinks of home, he doesn't think of being attacked by Fíli and almost murdered by the stream of freezing water, even though that is his own fault. However, he cannot thank himself enough for his brilliant plan, because at the end of the day, they call their wrestling fight a tie, but secretly know that they have both won.

The two brothers lie in bed, their thin, growing bodies extended across this mattress in opposite directions. A dim, golden light fills the room, outlining the muscle on Fíli's more toned arms. Kíli cannot help but indulge.

"Are you asleep?" he asks, nudging his brother with his foot.

"What?" Fíli sleepily asks, pulling the earphones out to hear more early.

"What are you listening to?" tries Kíli.

"Come here," Fíli says in response, gesturing towards himself. Kíli crawls towards him, rearranging his position on their thin bed to lie side by side with his brother. He tries to pull the MP3 player out of Fíli's calloused hands, but they resist, and smack him in the forehead. "You idiot," Fíli scolds him.

Kíli puts the earbud in place, rolling his head to his left to make it easier to share. His own fringe falls into Fíli's face. Suddenly, their foreheads gently touch, and their eyes lock in a moment of thundering hearts and years of unspoken questions. When Kíli thinks of pain, it's never, he swears, ever the heat in these unexpected gazes, that builds between them on quiet nights like these.

The brothers sit with their mother at the kitchen table the morning of the second to last day of the school year, eating some toast. Kíli watches Fíli do the homework the latter so refuses to finish when he has the free opportunity.

"Boys, it's cold," Dís, their mother, begins her morning interrogation. "Did you find your coat at school yet?"

"No," Kíli responds guilty.

"Lend him something," she orders her older son. "Don't let him go out like that."

Fíli, with a familiarly playful smile on his face, grabs the nearest jacket he can find and throws it across the table at Kíli's face. "Here," he offers. "Have it."

"You beast!" their mother exclaims. "At least you're good looking. Look at this face," she says, taking his chin in her hand. "You are so handsome."

Turning to Kíli, she says, "You are always with him. Does he have a girlfriend? He never tells me anything. Is he with a girl?"

A moment of silence passes in the kitchen, but Kíli pays no attention to Fíli's flailing gestures or the menacing glare in his eyes.

"He was recently," Kíli answers truthfully. For that, he earns a grape thrown at his forehead.

"Stay out of it!" Dís barks at Fíli. Continuing, she asks, "So, he had a girlfriend. What was her name?"

Fíli's expression is one of hopelessness, his sweet puppy charm being turned up to its highest effect. It is something Kíli knows he can never resist, and so he keeps his mouth shut. Dravila, he thinks. Her name is Dravila...

"Okay, don't tell me her name," Dís says slowly. "But is she from school? You can tell me that. I don't know any of your classmates."

"Yes, she's in our class," Kíli allows, thinking about how her arms go around Fíli, and how his face lights up from the pleasant surprise.

"She's from school! I know who she is, then," Dís tells Fíli mischievously.

"No, you don't," Fíli assures her with an annoyed, put-off expression.

"How do you know who who I'm thinking of?" Dís inquires, resuming the bantering between them.

"I know, and it's not her," he assures his disappointed mother. "That girl is a monster."

"Come on, you like her!" Dís says, just trying to get a rise out of her closed off son. Then, facing Kíli, she asks, "How long did they date?"

"Three days," he responds, secretly and selfishly pleased.

"Three days only?"

"Yes. She discovered something and left him," he informs her.

Dís glares across the table at Fíli, who is trying not to pay attention to their persisting discussion about his personal life. "Something bad?"

"No, something good," he deadpans sarcastically. Kíli snickers.

"What did you do?" she asks angrily.

"I cheated on her with her best friend," Fíli says with a smirk, grabbing his books from the table and standing up to indicate that the conversation is over, "Let's go."

He walked out of the kitchen, and his breath returns to Kíli. It always escapes him, when he is reminded that there are other people in his brother's life.

"Bye," he offers to his mother, who still sits in a stupor, with a shocked expression on her face.

"Bye," she says in return, and Kíli takes it that he is free to live another day of his life. It feels as if every second that he lives is bringing him closer to a bomb going off.

It's really hard to finish his class work after the ring of the bell. For the company, it signifies the permission to start a series of reckless games in the corner of the classroom. Games that obviously require his presence.

"Kíli," Ori calls, "Come here."

"What?" he mumbles, continuing to pay attention to the assignment in front of him.

"Come here," Ori says again. "We're working on something."

Kíli finally directs his attention at his friends, who all conspiratorially wait for him in the back of the classroom. Next time, before he walks over, he needs to expect the headlock that he is suddenly trapped in, and the camera that the excited company faces.

"Take a look at this!" Bombur shouts.

"Hold him down!" Fíli orders, holding the wriggling body of his brother, who is already trying to get away.

"Say hello to the camera!" Kíli's friends, his family, say, laughter filling the air. "A kiss of the camera!"

Somehow, in the hassle and tosses and turns, Kíli ends up wedged up right next to Fíli and Nori, with his arms tightly around their shoulders. The camera waits patiently in front of them.

"Here's Kíli," Fíli begins. "Also known as my baby brother. Sixteen already, but still in diapers." His voice softens, and Kíli turns to meet his brother's piercing blue eyes. He holds their gaze, and emotions of a life full of adoration and loyalty passes between them.

"This is a message for all the girls," Fíli continues, "to say that he's a great guy, and we like him a lot. We only beat him up when he misbehaves. Even though on Friday we'll stop seeing each other, because we're going to graduate, we really like him, and he'll stay in our hearts."

Friday, Friday... Tomorrow, but Fíli is already slipping away from him with every passing moment. Away from his home and from his life, where he somehow manages to fill every hole that Kíli has and break down every barrier that he builds for himself. He sidles up to Kíli, makes himself a part of him, and now he will leave him and take all of the parts of Kíli that keep him whole.

"We love you, Kíli!" comes the collective chant from the company, who is still meaning to tease. "A kiss, a kiss, a kiss!"

Kíli feels something rise within him. Whether it is excitement or dread, he does not know. However, he feels Fíli's quick puffs of breath on his face, as their friends push them towards one another.

When their lips collide, it is a brief peck, followed by the persisting hoots and hollers of the company. However, Kíli cannot hear them. He feels an exhilaratingly warm glow spread through his chest, and the smile on his brother's face is addicting. He cannot help but return it with a small smile of his own. When he thinks of happiness, he thinks of spending his free days with Fíli and the rest of the company, being reckless and carefree to his heart's content.

Kíli sits at his desk, in the centre of the classroom, unable to focus his mind on the lecture.

"Can anyone give me an example?" he hears the teacher drone. "No one can give me an example? We've gone through this for the last two weeks. I know it's the end of the years; you have your parties, your boyfriends, your girlfriends. But when do classes finish? The very last day of classes!"

A sad reminder. Kíli scorns himself for acting lamely and refusing to enjoy the upcoming summer. But for the first time, he wishes for anything but the hot sun, that warms his arms and teases him, as if laughing at his aching heart.

They are outside, painting on t-shirts with cans of spray paint. Intricate designs appear on them, resembling band emblems with a touch of their own imagination. Kíli tries to dabble on his brother's, but Fíli batters his hands away.

It is dark outside, but the hidden depths in the pond hold unknown secrets, and they joke about sirens calling to them. They each have a beer bottle in their hands, and they are wearing their new t-shirts. Kíli hops onto the ledge in front of the pond, taking a sip and frowning. Fíli angles the camera and jumps up next to Kíli, throwing his hand around his shoulder. His hair bushes Kíli's cheek, and his arm is heavy and so there, a warm presence that grounds him and reminds his of who he is, and who he doesn't know he can be without him.

The company sits under the light of the street lamp, holding the flasks of spirit in their hands.

"Bottoms up!" Nori exclaims, holding the flask up and tipping it to his companions, promptly taking a hit. Immediately, his face contorts in disgust.

"Come on!" Fíli edges on the rest, gulping down his own.

"It's not that strong," Nori comments. Facing Bifur, who looks more than a little sour, he asks, "Why do you have that face? A girl's face!"

Laughter of the boys persists, dying away into the warm darkness that presses against the light.

"What if we stay awake all night?" Bombur voices.

"I'm down!" Fíli exclaims.

"We go straight to school," says Bifur, already excited about the thought of the night.

"Let's vote!" Fíli jokingly says, his hand shooting into the air. "Me!"

The rest of the dozen followed suit.

"Fatty, what's up with you?" Nori asks frustratedly, apparently dissatisfied with the suggestion and the majority vote.

"Don't ruin it!" Bifur shouts at him.

"Don't be that little girl!" Bofur protests. "That little girl that didn't bring her contact lenses solution."

"'Oh, my contact lenses!'" Bifur and Dwalin shout in unison, almost doubling over with hysterical laughter.

"Let's call the girls to spice it up," suggests Glóin.

"Not me!" Bifur says, raising his open hands in defense.

"Me neither!" says Fíli, instead pointing to Ori. "Him!"

"Glóin, you're not funny," Nori mutters once again, grumpily facing away from the rest of them.

Despite the plans made and the happiness shared, the night comes to an end, and Kíli finds himself helping his brother's sleep-deprived body to their bed.

He guides Fíli to it gently, pulling off the shoes from his motionless feet. Fíli raises his arms for more help, and Kíli tugs the shirt over his head and throws it across the room.

Lying in bed next to his brother's feet, his chin propped up on his forearms on his pillow, Kíli welcomes the sun, that breaks through the window at dawn.

"Do you love me?" Kíli murmurs. The last day.

"Of course," comes Fíli's impossible answer. "You're my brother."

Kíli's heart sinks lower than he thinks possible. "But what do you feel for me?"

"That."

"That what?"

"That you are my brother."

Kíli stands in the school bathroom, looking at himself in the mirror. His eyes are filled to the brim with unshed tears, and he wipes them away before they have the opportunity to leave embarrassing streaks of dry salt on his cheeks.

He walks down the familiar school hallways, loving it for all the memories that it's walls keep safe and secure, and hating it for having to be a reminder of his loneliness for the days that follow this one. Dori and Óin skip by him cheerfully, singing a soccer cheer they made up and holding a huge poster, with the words "school's out" written on the front. He waves to them as they passed.

Kíli stops near the classroom, in which he knows Fíli's exam is taking place. He lets his elbows support him against the rail of the balcony, that overlooks the school's beautiful garden in the spring and summer.

Fíli exits the room soon enough, surprising his brother with a rough yet friendly slap on the back.

"How did it go?" Kíli asks him.

"I answered everything," Fíli shrugs. "I'm sure I'll pass."

"Are you coming to the biology exam?" Kíli inquires, referring to the exam he himself still needs to take.

"No, I already took it," Fíli informs him. "I don't need to come here anymore. Should we go?"

Kíli looks out into the school and knows that he doesn't want the last time he will have his brother so close in so many ways to arrive.

"Let's stay a while longer," he begs, trying but failing to hide the desperation in his voice.

"Why?" his brother asks, looking at him strangely.

"I don't know," Kíli lies.

They stand in front of the camera, holding Kíli in their embrace and ruffling his hair.

"This is for all the pretty girls," Fíli says. He is cute, isn't he? So thin and good looking. Look at this six-pack!"

When he thinks of happiness, he is reminded of the last days he spends with Fíli. These are the days during which he wills time to stop. Anything to prevent the inevitable goodbyes.

Kíli laughs breathlessly, and water falls into his hair and drips into his eyes. When Kíli thinks of home, he thinks of being trapped in Fíli's embrace, with water falling around them and trapping them in their own world, oblivious to everything else going on around them. His plan is a brilliant way to feel Fíli's bare, inaccessible skin - his brother's skin, his brother's, for God's sake -

But as he looks into Fíli's eyes and tries to search for anything more than brotherly love, a curious, worried gaze returns his. He looks away.

Their foreheads gently touch, and their eyes lock in a moment of thundering hearts and years of unspoken questions. When Kíli thinks of pain, he has to put all of his effort to push away the hollowness of his chest and the rawness of his throat, as he strokes his brother roughly and quickly to his completion. His release is like the raw love that Kíli feels for him. It is as silent, but also something terrifying that lingers between them, noticeable only on these rare nights.

Kíli lifts his hand to his lips for his brother to see, but the moment of intensity that sparks between them scares him. He wipes his fingers on his brother's shoulder playfully.

Fíli immediately springs back to the other side of the bed, almost pushing Kíli over the edge of the bed. "Don't be gross," he says.

When Kíli imagines love, he cannot help but imagine a series of whacks aimed at his face by the open palms of his older brother, the constant tickling fights that left them both sweaty and breathless, aching with unfulfilled need. Kíli is happy, but he cannot help but feel that it is only a bittersweet victory. An unaddressed turmoil of conflicting emotions always remains.

"Be quiet," Fíli says again. "Say you're sorry!"

"I hope we all go on vacation together," he says, "and that we don't forget each other."

It is still May, but the heated air that surrounds and engulfs them already feels like the end.